Bad Kitty for President Read online

  FOR

  PRESIDENT

  NICK BRUEL

  A NEAL PORTER BOOK

  ROARING BROOK PRESS

  NEW YORK

  To Rosa

  and her family

  Copyright © 2012 by Nick Bruel

  A Neal Porter Book

  Published by Roaring Brook Press

  Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership

  175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

  mackids.com

  All rights reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Bruel, Nick.

  Bad Kitty for president / Nick Bruel. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  "A Neal Porter Book."

  Summary: Kitty decides to run for President of the Neighborhood Cat

  Club.

  eISBN 978-1-4668-1247-5

  [1. Politics, Practical—Fiction. 2. Elections—Fiction. 3. Cats—Fiction.]

  I. Title.

  PZ7.B82832Baf 2012

  [E]—dc23

  2011018401

  Roaring Brook Press books are available for special promotions and premiums.

  For details contact: Director of Special Markets, Holtzbrinck Publishers.

  • CONTENTS •

  INTRODUCTION

  OLD KITTY

  CHAPTER ONE

  THE PRIMARIES

  CHAPTER TWO

  THE ENDORSEMENT

  CHAPTER THREE

  ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

  CHAPTER FOUR

  MEDIA AND MONEY

  CHAPTER FIVE

  THE DEBATE

  CHAPTER SIX

  ELECTION DAY!

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE RESULTS

  APPENDIX ONE

  APPENDIX TWO

  As you read this book, you’ll notice

  that there is a Hfollowing some of the words.

  These words are defined

  in the Glossary at the back of this book.

  •INTRODUCTION•

  OLD KITTY

  This is Old Kitty.

  Old Kitty can’t hear very well anymore. Old Kitty’s eyes don’t work so well anymore. Old Kitty’s claws aren’t as sharp as they used to be, and his bones sometimes creak when he walks.

  Old Kitty happens to be the presidentH of the Neighborhood Cat Club. But not for long.

  Next week, Old Kitty will leave officeH and give up his role as the president of the Neighborhood Cat Club. Why? It’s not just because he’s old and tired. It’s also because he will have served two full terms in office, which is the longest any kitty is allowed to be president of the Neighborhood Cat Club.

  But Old Kitty won’t mind leaving office. At four years a term . . .

  that’s eight whole years Old Kitty has been president . . .

  and eight years is about half of a cat’s natural lifetime.

  But Old Kitty will leave office knowing that he did the best job he could. Being president is a very, very hard job. Being president means often working late into the night and living with the constant stress of having so much responsibility. In many ways, being president is the most difficult job there is, and Old Kitty has been pretty worn out by it.

  8 YEARS AGO

  6 YEARS AGO

  But don't feel too bad about Old Kitty. He still has many good years ahead of him. After all . . .

  4 YEARS AGO

  2 YEARS AGO

  Old Kitty is only nine years old.

  •CHAPTER ONE•

  THE PRIMARIESH

  Good morning, Kitty!

  Kitty? Kitty?

  Wow. Something outside really has your attention today. I wonder what it is. Are there birds? Are there squirrels? Did Brian the mailman drop his lunch again?

  Oh, I see. You’re looking at some of those stray cats that come wandering in from the neighborhood next to ours every now and then.

  What’s the big deal, Kitty? They’re not hurting

  anyone, are they? They’re just cats like you.

  Well, Kitty, if they’re bothering you so much, why don’t you do something about it?

  I know that look, Kitty. You’re thinking about throwing them all into an active volcano, aren’t you? *Sigh* That’s not what I was talking about.

  What I mean is . . . why don’t you run for president of the Neighborhood Cat Club? Old Kitty is about to leave office, which means that a new president has to be elected. It might as well be you.

  Oh, sure . . . I know that being president is a great responsibility and a lot of hard work. And I know that it requires a lot of personal sacrifice. But maybe you’d do a great job.

  And besides, it's the best way I can think of to deal with the stray cat issue in the way that you want most.

  That’s right, Kitty. As president, you would get to suggest the laws that all of the other kitties would have to follow, including any law you think would be best for dealing with the stray cats . . . with the possible exception of throwing them all into an active volcano.

  You see, Kitty, as president you would . . . uh . . .

  Where’d she go?

  Sorry, Kitty. It’s just not that simple. You have to go through a whole lot of very complicated steps before you can become president.

  That’s just how it is, Kitty. ElectionsH might seem complicated, but that's what keeps them fair.

  Why, even BEFORE you get elected to be president, you have to win ANOTHER election just so you can have the honor of running for president in the first place.

  This first election is called a primary, and wouldn’t you know it—today happens to be primary day! That’s why all of the other kitties from the neighborhood are here. Hello, kitties!

  Now, all we need to do is figure out how to hold a primary election. And who better to ask than good ol’ UNCLE MURRAY.

  *Hi! Sorry we're late, but we thought you said "library" instead of "primary"

  and we got caught up reading Harry Paw-ter. Ha-ha! Get it?

  What …

  no cat

  questions?

  WHAT ARE

  PRIMARIES?

  Okey-dokey! Questions about politics!

  Now THIS is something I know about.

  Let me just put on my special election

  day hat!

  So, what is a primary,

  Uncle Murray?

  Well, in a primary you vote for a

  candidate to become a nominee.H

  Huh?

  It’s easy. See, most elections have at least two political groups that want to be in charge, and these groups are called parties.H But before you have an election, each group has to nominate someone they want to rep- resent them, so they hold a primary. How do you pick the right

  nominee? You hold a primary.

  Great. So how do we hold a

  primary?

  Well, first you gotta pick your

  delegates.H

  The what?

  Delegates. Delegates are the people

  who represent your party’s nominee.

  So, first you pick your delegates,

  and then you vote for your nominee,

  and then the person who gets the

  most votes gets the most delegates

  who will then represent him

  or her at the convention.*

  Convention?

  Oh, yeah! Those are fun. That’s

  where all the delegates get together

  and choose their nominee for the

  election.

  So, in other words, a nominee is chosen at a convention by a bunch of delegates who go there to represent the candidate chosen at a primary . . .

  Or caucus!H

&nb
sp; Caucus?!!

  Caucuses are awesome! Instead of primaries,

  some states have caucuses, which are like big

  meetings in which a bunch of people try to conv-

  ince each other of who would be the

  best nominee by standing on tables

  and waving flags and shouting a lot.

  AAAAARGH!

  Yeah, like that.

  That was just way, way, WAY too confusing.

  Since you all look about as bewildered as I do, kitties, let’s try something else.

  No one knows why, but for some reason, anyone who campaigns for any political office has to be good at kissing babies. So let’s have a contest—let’s pick our nominees by seeing which kitties are best at kissing Baby!

  I know you're enjoying your french fries, Baby, but we need you!

  * I smell potatoes, salt, and grease!

  The kitties are split into two parties—the kitties who live on the LEFT side of the street and the kitties who live on the RIGHT side of the street. First, it’s the Left Side Party’s turn to kiss the baby.

  Strange Kitty, do you

  want to kiss the baby?

  I regret that I

  have no interest

  in politics.

  How about you, Twin Kitties?

  Looks like they’re too busy playing with Baby to

  actually kiss her.

  Chatty Kitty, do you want to kiss the baby?

  Never mind.

  Do you want to try, Big Kitty?

  Big Kitty wins the

  primary for

  the Left Side of

  the Street Party!

  It probably

  didn’t hurt that

  Baby was eating

  french fries.

  And now it’s time for the kitties from the Right Side of the Street to kiss Baby. You’re first, Pretty Kitty, and Stinky Kitty is next.

  Well, Kitty, now’s your big chance. If you manage to kiss Baby you will win the Right Side of the Street primary and be their nominee for the election. All you have to do is . . .

  KISS BABY.

  YOU DID IT, KITTY! That means you won the primary and that you and Big Kitty are the two nominees who will run against each other to become president!

  Thank you, Baby.

  •CHAPTER TWO•

  THE ENDORSEMENTH

  Well, Kitty . . . Now’s the hard part. Now you have to find ways to convince enough kitties that you would be the best candidate to vote for on election day. This long, hard process of convincing voters that you deserve their vote is known as a campaign.H

  We don’t have much money to spend, Kitty, so one thing we can do is conduct a grassroots campaign.H Do you know what that is, Kitty? That's when we dig hard to find the roots of what voters care about and then try to leave something of ourselves behind for them to ponder.

  JUMPIN' JEHOSAPHAT!

  NO, KITTY, NO!

  THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

  STOP RIGHT THERE!

  STOP READING

  IMMEDIATELY!

  I’m Edna Prunelove, and as

  the chairperson for Folks

  Against Revolting Themes, I

  am sparing you this horrible

  and inappropriate portion

  of this tasteless little

  book you’re read-

  ing!

  Impressionable,

  little minds such

  as yours must not

  be exposed to such

  filth and depravity!

  Until all of this nastiness is cleaned

  up, I will bring to you the heart-

  warming and educational tale of . . .

  Once upon a time,

  there was a happy

  little puppy who

  wanted to be president

  of the United States.

  “Wouldn’t it be

  grand,”

  he thought, “to be

  the president? Then

  I could make sure

  all the children had

  bones to chew on,

  and squeaky rub-

  bery toys to play

  with, and

  tasty pigs’

  ears to eat.

  So,

  the

  happy

  little

  puppy

  traveled far

  and wide,

  from state to

  state in his

  campaign,

  asking all the

  good people in

  the country to

  vote for him.

  All of the people he met

  were so pleased to meet

  such a happy little puppy.

  “Of course we’ll vote

  for such a happy little

  puppy!” they all said.

  “Woof!” said the puppy

  happily. And all of the

  people laughed.

  But then on election day, just as all of the good

  people were about to vote, they suddenly realized . . .

  “Wait a minute! He’s not

  a native-born citizen!H

  He’s not over thirty-five

  years old! He hasn’t lived

  in the United States for

  at least fourteen years!

  “He’s just a stupid dog!

  What the heck are we

  doing here?!”

  So, the happy little puppy

  wasn’t elected president

  of the United States,

  after all.

  There, now. Wasn’t

  that just lovely?

  Such warmth! Such

  humor! And I think

  we all learned

  something. I can't

  wait for the movie!

  And now back to your nasty little book

  about that nasty little cat.

  Wow, Kitty! Those people sure were upset about their lawn. NEVER do that again!

  Kitty, a grassroots campaign is the kind of campaign in which you try to communicate directly with your voters by going door-to-door, working locally, and trying to make personal contact with voters any way you can.

  It’s not . . . uh . . . that thing you did.

  A grassroots campaign is the kind of campaign you can conduct when you just don’t have a lot of money like us. So, one of the things we can do without any money is get Old Kitty’s endorsement. If Old Kitty is willing to publicly recommend you for the office of president, then all of those kitties who once voted for him might vote for YOU this time.

  And it looks like Big Kitty had the same idea!

  I guess this means that Old Kitty is just going to have to make a choice . . .

  as soon as he wakes up.

  Which might take . . .

  a . . .

  little . . .

  while.

  Oh, well. I don’t think either of you will be getting an endorsement today.

  Maybe it’s time to look at other options, Kitty.

  •CHAPTER THREE•

  ON THE

  CAMPAIGN

  TRAIL

  Okay, Kitty . . . let’s try something else. Another common part of conducting a grassroots campaign is simply going door-to-door to meet as many voters as you can. This way, you get to know which issues your voters care most about. And they get to hear how you plan to address their issues.

  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

  Let’s try this house, Kitty.

  You need to make a good first

  impression, Kitty. Try to greet the

  voters with a nice smile.

  Can you smile, Kitty?

  On second

  thought,

  forget the

  smile, Kitty.

  I’ll just ring

  the doorbell.

  Look, Kitty! It’s your good friend Chatty Kitty! I’m sure she has lots of important things to say. Let’s find out what . . .

  * Hi. Runnin
g for president? Great! Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was the first president of the United States to own a cat in the White House? His name was Tabby. But more importantly, the nineteenth president, Rutherford Hayes, owned the very first Siamese cat, named Siam, ever to live in the United States. It’s possible that I’m related to her, even though I’ve never been to the White House. I once saw a house that was white, but I don’t think it was the same place.