Bad Kitty for President Read online

  And Theodore Roosevelt owned two cats named Slippers and Tom Quartz. And Calvin Coolidge owned four cats named Smokey, Blackie, Timmy, and Tiger, which might sound like a lot of cats, but he also kept twelve dogs, two raccoons, and a pygmy hippo, so go figure.

  Woodrow Wilson had a cat named Puffins. John F. Kennedy owned a cat named Tom Kitten. Gerald Ford owned a cat named Shan. And Jimmy Carter’s daughter, Amy, owned a cat (another Siamese!) named Misty Malarky Ying Yang, which is very hard to say ten times fast, but I can try . . . Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty . . .

  43 MINUTES LATER . . .

  Quick, Kitty! Chatty Kitty is finally taking a breath! Now’s your chance to tell her why you would be the best candidate to vote for!

  Ronald Reagan had two cats named Cleo and Sara. Bill Clinton had a cat named Socks. And George W. Bush had a cat named India.

  A FISH?!

  NO, KITTY! You can’t give Chatty Kitty a fish to convince her to vote for you! That’s known as “buying a vote” and it’s illegal!

  *Did you know that there’s a species of mullet known as the “President's Fish”? It’s also known as the “Ludong” or the “Banali,” and it’s close to extinction because of overfishing in the Philippines.

  Get rid of the fish, and let’s go to the next house. You should know better than that, Kitty.

  I’ll ring the doorbell here.

  Look, Kitty! Your opponent Big Kitty lives here! Isn’t that a coincidence! Hi, Big Kitty!

  Now, Kitty. That is no way to behave even toward your opponent. Besides, what would happen if someone had a . . .

  . . . camera.

  Uh-oh.

  •CHAPTER FOUR•

  MEDIA AND MONEY

  Good morning, Kitty. Are you ready for another day of pounding the pavement and knocking on doors for your campaign?

  Oh! What’s this, Kitty? Today’s newspaper?

  Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about this, Kitty. People will forget all about this soon enough. And once we begin discussing the issues they care most about, I think we can rely on the voters to make an educated decision.

  It’s just a good thing there wasn’t a video camera there to record . . .

  Hmmm . . . Well, I guess that Big Kitty is a pretty shrewd campaigner after all.

  But never mind all that, Kitty. Let’s go out and pound the pavement! Let’s go knock on some . . .

  No? Why aren’t you coming with me, Kitty?

  Kitty? What are you trying to tell me?

  Are . . . are . . . are you FIRING me, Kitty?

  Are you serious?

  Wow. I really didn’t see that coming.

  But how will you run your campaign without me? You need me, don’t you?

  Don’t you?

  You have your own campaign Web site? But how? You couldn’t have done this yourself. And who would be goofy enough to make a campaign Web site for a CAT? Who would be so irresponsible as to make a campaign Web site for YOU? Who could you have possibly tricked into . . .

  Oh.

  Am I in

  trouble?

  WHY DID YOU DO IT?!

  Hey, don’t yell at me! The cat offered

  me a pretty good-looking fish, and I

  was hungry. Besides, a political

  campaign can cost a lot of money.

  How much money?

  Well, in the United States,

  some presidential campaigns can

  cost more than a billion dollars!

  A BILLION DOLLARS! HOLY %#@$.

  I know. Candidates have been

  known to spend more than a hundred

  million dollars just to run for mayor!

  So, where do they get all that

  money?

  Well, some of these guys are pretty

  rich to begin with, so they use

  some of their own money. But most of

  them get donations from people or

  groups that really want to see them

  get elected.

  What kinds of people?

  All kinds of people. You don’t have

  to be rich to donate. People can

  donate just a couple of bucks. But

  you can’t donate more than $2,500

  to a candidate. That’s supposed to keep

  really rich people from controlling an election.

  Okay, then what kinds of groups?

  Well, some are called PACs or Political

  Action Committees.* Those are orga-

  nizations that have a specific agenda

  and want to get candidates elected

  to help them. They can donate as

  much as $5,000, but no more.

  What do candidates do with all that money?

  Well, they need it for traveling and buying ads and commercials for TV. Although not all of those ads come from the candidates.

  Who else is there?

  There are these so-called 527 Groups* that can collect and spend as much money as they want. They buy ads and commercials and can say anything they want—so long as they don’t

  work with or for a candidate.

  Smells kind of fishy to me.

  Ooh! Sorry, my fish must be done.

  Want some?

  First of all, Kitty, I can’t believe there are people out there who are goofy enough to send you money. But I suppose if Uncle Murray was goofy enough to make you a Web site so you can find people goofy enough to send you money, then I suppose anything is possible.

  So, what do you plan to do with your money anyway?

  Why are you picking up that remote, Kitty? Is it time for Paw and Order or All My Kittens or . . .

  No. You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.

  You did.

  Well, Kitty . . . That commercial may be the most revolting thing I’ve ever seen on television.

  Kitty, you can’t just make yourself out to be what you think people want to see. If you want to be president, then you HAVE to be honest about who you are.

  Plus, voters care about issues. You have to tell voters where you stand on the things they care about most. Have you forgotten all about the stray cat issue? That’s why you were running for president in the first place.

  Now, please tell me that you have something more to show that will address the important issues of the day.

  “The Coalition to Make Sure That Dogs Are Not Secretly Elected to be President of the Neighbor­hood Cat Club”?! What the %#@$ is that?

  Oh, Kitty, you went and found some 527 Group that would go out there and smear poor Big Kitty just to further your campaign, didn’t you? You know that Big Kitty isn’t really a dog, don’t you?

  Don’t give me that big, innocent look, Kitty! I don’t care that you’re not the one who actually made the ad, and I don’t care that you’re not even mentioned in the ad.

  You claim to know nothing about the organization that made this ad, but I don’t believe it for a second.

  Hello? Yes?

  I see.

  Okay. I’ll tell her. Thank you.

  Goodbye.

  Well, Kitty . . . Now you’ll have to put your money where your mouth is. You’ve been invited to have a public debate *with Big Kitty on the day before the election.

  That’s right. Now you’ll have to stand before all the voters and explain to them just why you should be their best choice to represent them as their president.

  Kitty?

  Kitty?

  Uh-oh.

  •CHAPTER FIVE•

  THE DEBATE

  How do I

  look? Is

  my hat

  straight?

  Good evening, and welcome to the one and only

  debate between the two nominees hoping to earn

  your vote in tomorrow’s election for president of

  the Neighborhood Cat Club.

  I’m Strange Kitty, your moderator*

  for tonight’s debate.

  I will ask each candidate a
question about an

  issue that is important to the voters from both

  sides of the street. Each candidate will have one

  minute to respond after which both candidates

  will each have thirty seconds to give a rebuttal,*

  or an opposing viewpoint.

  We’ll begin with a coin toss to see who goes

  first.

  Uh-oh.

  Wha’s the matter?

  I don’t

  have a

  coin!

  Gosh! I don’t have

  one either!

  What

  do we

  do?

  Hang on! I’ll try to find

  something else!

  Live

  television,

  folks.

  I found something!

  Cool!

  What

  is it?

  It’s my Power Panther

  Fan Club Medallion!

  Awesome!

  Where did

  you get it?

  They were giving them

  out at last week’s San

  Francisco Power Panther

  Science Fiction and

  Comic Book

  Convention.

  Wait . . . You went

  to SanFranPowPan

  Sci-FiComicCon . . .

  Ummm . . .

  Yeah.

  Without ME!

  Yeah,

  but . . .

  How could you! You

  wouldn’t even be

  reading Power

  Panther if

  not for

  me!

  Now,

  hang on!

  I called you,

  and you said

  you wanted

  to stay home

  to watch the

  Adventures

  of AquaCat

  24-hour

  marathon!

  Oh . . . right.

  What was I thinking?

  I have them all

  recorded

  anyway.

  You do?

  I’ve never seen the

  one where AquaCat is

  hypnotized by Pirate

  Puma and eats

  melon!

  That’s a

  good one.

  Wanna

  come

  over to

  watch

  it?

  You bet!

  Great! Let’s go to my

  place right

  after

  the . . .

  um . . . oh,

  right!

  The

  debate!

  Let’s just start with you,

  Big Kitty . . .

  Where do you stand on

  the issue of stray cats

  who wander in from other

  neighborhoods to live on

  our street? Do we welcome

  them and let them live here or

  do we chase them away? Please keep your response

  to one minute . . . starting NOW!

  Do you want me

  to repeat the . . .

  You “like french fries.”

  Is that really all you have to say?

  You “REALLY like french fries.” I

  understand. But the stray cat ques-

  tion is a pretty big issue, isn’t it? I

  mean, we sometimes get these stray

  cats wandering into our neighbor-

  hood who want to live here. We live in

  nice, warm houses with toys and litter boxes and cool stuff like Power Panther medallions. Should we be expected to share our stuff with these cats who have nothing—nothing at all? Or should we take steps to keep these cats out because we don’t know who they are?

  No, I don’t have any french fries.

  *sigh*

  The same question goes to you, Kitty.

  Where do you stand on the stray cats

  issue? Do we . . .

  Hmmm . . . I tried to write this all

  down as you were saying it. Let's

  see if I got this right . . .

  Something about how “Big Kitty

  is really a dog, and dogs smell like

  moldy corn chips, and only weirdos

  would vote for corn chips.”

  But nothing about stray cats. Okay.

  And so concludes tonight’s debate. Thank

  you so much for watching. Please don’t

  forget to vote tomorrow.

  Good night.

  Psst . . .

  You have

  fifty-three

  minutes left!

  Forget it.

  •CHAPTER SIX•

  ELECTION DAY!

  Well, Kitty . . . The big day is finally here. The only thing you have to do now is actually vote here at this polling station.*

  Let’s take a look at what the ballot *looks like.

  Oh, sure. There’s always a “WRITE-IN”* option. This gives the voter the chance to vote for anyone he or she wants if the official candidates aren’t deemed worthy. Voting is all about choosing, Kitty. And it’s always good to have more options . . . right?

  Anyway, it’s your turn to vote, Kitty.

  Hello, Strange Kitty. Nice job last night.

  Kitty is here to cast her ballot.

  Let’s see here . . .

  Kitty . . . Kitty . . .

  Hmmmm . . .

  Sorry, but I don’t see your

  name here. Did you register*

  to vote?

  Kitty! Are you telling me that you never registered to vote? You HAVE to register to vote! Registering is one of the most important responsibilities of being a citizen!

  Ya gotta

  register!

  That’s

  important!

  WHAT IS VOTER

  REGISTRATION?

  Voter registration is a process

  of collecting all of the names and

  addresses of everyone who can vote.

  But why do you need to

  register?

  Well, the main reason is to prevent

  voter fraud. The law is that you

  can only vote once, and you can only

  vote in the area where you live.

  Registering to vote creates a

  database that ensures that

  you only vote one time in the place

  where you live, and it makes sure

  you’re even allowed to vote.

  Really? Are some people not

  allowed to vote?

  Oh, sure! For one thing, you have

  to be over eighteen years old. Sorry,

  kids. Also, in the United States you

  have to be a citizen of the country.

  Plus, depending on the state, if you

  commit a felony, a bad crime, you

  may not be allowed to vote at all,

  even after you get out of prison.

  Okay, so how do you register?

  It couldn’t be easier. All you gotta do

  is fill out a voter registration form.

  They’re super easy to find. You can

  download them from the Internet. You

  can go to your local board of elections.

  Usually, you can just go to your local

  library or post office and see if they

  have any hanging around.

  When do you register?

  In most states, you have to register

  to vote as much as a month before an

  election. There are a few states like

  Maine and Wisconsin that let you register on the same day you vote, but it’s best to play it safe and register WAY ahead of time . . . unless you live in North Dakota where you don’t have to register at all. I’m not sure why—that’s just how they do

  things in the Peace Garden State.

  If kids can’t vote, is there any-

  thing we can do for an election?

&nbs
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