Bad Kitty School Daze Read online

  For all teachers

  everywhere

  Page 83, The Battle at Bunker's Hill, George Edward Perine after John Trumbull, courtesy of

  Emmet Collection, Miriam and Ira D. Wallach Division of Art, Prints and Photographs,

  The New York Public Library, Astor, Lenox and Tilden Foundations

  Copyright © 2013 by Nick Bruel

  A Neal Porter Book

  Published by Roaring Brook Press

  Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership

  175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

  mackids.com

  All rights reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Bruel, Nick.

  Bad Kitty school daze / Nick Bruel.

  p. cm.

  Summary: "When Kitty's owners have finally had enough of her bad

  behavior, it's time to ship her off to obedience school"— Provided by

  publisher.

  eISBN 978-1-4668-3591-7

  [1. Cats—Fiction. 2. Pets—Training—Fiction. 3. Humorous stories.] I.

  Title.

  PZ7.B82832Bao 2012

  [E] —dc23

  2012015359

  Roaring Brook Press books are available for special promotions and premiums.

  For details contact: Director of Special Markets, Holtzbrinck Publishers.

  First edition 2013

  Printed in the United States of America by RR Donnelley & Sons Company,

  Harrisonburg, Virginia

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  • CONTENTS •

  CHAPTER ONE

  ONE FINE DAY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

  CHAPTER TWO

  THE NEXT FINE DAY . . . . . . . . . . .17

  CHAPTER THREE

  WELCOME . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CIRCLE TIME. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ARTS + CRAFTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68

  CHAPTER SIX

  SHOW + TELL. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  STORYTIME . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  GRADUATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .118

  EPILOGUE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .144

  A BONUS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .152

  •CHAPTER ONE•

  ONE FINE DAY

  KITTY! STOP THAT!

  MEOW!

  WOOF!

  WOOF!

  MEOW!

  KITTY! PUPPY!

  STOP!

  MEOW!

  WOOF!

  BOTH OF YOU, CUT IT OUT!

  MEOW!

  WOOF!

  STOP THIS BEFORE

  SOMEONE GETS

  HURT!

  Oh, dear! What happened, Baby? Did you fall down? How did that happen?

  The cat did this? Well, I’m not surprised. Tsk, tsk, tsk. The way those two were running and horsing around. But I’m sure it was an accident.

  Kitty, it’s time for us to have a little talk.

  Kitty, I’ve had enough of your SCREAMING and HISSING and FIGHTING. It’s time we did something about your behavior, your nasty temper, and the fact that you never seem to listen.

  And that goes for you too, Puppy. That drooling problem of yours started all of this.

  That’s why I’ve decided it’s time for both of you to go

  to . . .

  SCHOOL.

  •CHAPTER TWO•

  THE NEXT FINE DAY

  HEY, KITTY! I just got back from the store, and look at all of the super-cool school supplies I bought for you! They all feature your absolute FAVORITE . . .

  Love Love Angel Kitten

  Backpack

  Love

  Love

  Angel

  Kitten

  Notebook

  Love Love Angel Kitten

  Eraser

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Pencils

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Bowling Ball

  Pink

  Light Pink

  Deep Pink

  Reddish

  Pink

  Pinkish

  Pink

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Crayons

  Love Love Angel Kitten

  Calculator

  Love Love

  Angel

  Kitten

  Gym Shorts

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Tractor

  Tire

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Cinder Block

  Love Love

  Angel Kitten

  Ruler

  Whew! That’s a lot of

  stuff! Oh well . . .

  Let’s put it all into

  your backpack.

  Awww, look at you! All ready for school.

  And so is Puppy! Did you pack your bandana, Puppy? I hope so, because you’ll need it if you start drooling again.

  We better hurry. You guys don’t want to be late for the school bus!

  HERE IT COMES!

  And look who’s driving! It’s good ol’ Uncle Murray!

  Hi, Guys! Got

  any questions?

  WHY DO DOGS

  CHASE CATS?

  Hey, don’t

  blame the

  dog for

  this!

  Dogs don’t just chase cats. They chase lots of things, because that’s what dogs like to do most.

  Herder dogs like border collies are bred to chase sheep and keep the flock together. Hunting dogs like hounds and dachshunds are bred to chase foxes and rats. Police dogs like German shepherds are trained to chase criminals. And dogs chase all of these things not just because they like to do it, but also because

  they’re so very,

  very good at it.

  When a dog

  chases a cat, it’s not chasing because it’s being mean. It’s chasing the cat because of instinct. “Instinct” is that part of an animal’s brain that controls how an animal is going to act. Birds can fly because their instinct

  *Albert Einstein once said that "Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be

  achieved by understanding."

  tells them how. Fish can swim because their instinct tells them how. And dogs chase other animals because their instinct tells them it’s an important thing to do.

  So when a dog sees a

  strange cat for the first time,

  his brain tells him that he MUST begin chasing the cat. It doesn’t help that dogs are also very territorial, which means that if the cat is anywhere near something the dog thinks he owns, like his bone or his backyard or his house or even YOU, then he will feel compelled to chase that poor cat away.

  Cats, by the way, have the same instinct as dogs. Cats are extremely good at chasing other animals, only they chase animals much smaller than they are, like mice and rats. Most dogs are bigger, sometimes

  MUCH bigger, than cats.

  So cats do not generally

  chase dogs.

  Dogs, however, do not have the same sense of caution as cats and will often chase things much, much bigger than them. That’s why they’ll sometimes chase cars.

  I like dogs,

  but they

  better not

  chase my

  school bus!

  All right, ya goofy cat, move on to the back of the bus and you can meet some of your new classmates!

  Bye, Kitty! Bye, Puppy! I’ll see you at the end of the day!

  •CHAPTER THREE•


  WELCOME

  All right, you guys! Everybody off the bus

  and welcome to . . .

  See you

  later!

  LOVE LOVE ANGEL KITTEN! I just adore LOVE LOVE ANGEL KITTEN, dont you?! I can tell that we are going to get along so well.

  Well, pets, my name is Diabla von Gloom. But I want you all to call me Miss Dee. Welcome to my school! School, as you may know, is a place where you go to learn something new. So, I really hope that you all learn something new today.

  Let's step into the classroom! And as you all head inside, I want you to understand one thing . . .

  I dont believe in naughty or confused or bad pets. I believe you are all GOOD pets, and I want you to know that.

  Even you.

  •CHAPTER FOUR•

  Circle time is how I get to know all of you, and for all of

  you to get to know each other.

  Lets start with you, Petunia. Tell us whats on your mind.

  Excuse me, little bunny! But we dont interrupt each

  other in this classroom!

  But I’m Dr. Lagomorph!

  I’m a diabolical mutant

  supervillain!

  Thats no

  excuse.

  Sit down,

  please!

  Go ahead, Petunia.

  I hate cats.

  But why, Petunia?

  I just hate them! I hate them so much!

  I hate their eyes! I hate their noses! I hate

  their goofy-looking whiskers! When I see

  them, I just want to punch them!

  PUNCH!

  PUNCH!

  PUNCH!

  I . . . I . . . just want to bite their heads off

  and chew their faces like gum! CHEW!

  CHEW! CHEW! I want to pick them up

  and throw them all into active volcanos!

  I want to write them nasty letters that

  will hurt their feelings! I . . . I want to . . .

  I think thats enough,

  Petunia. I hope this

  doesnt mean that

  youre going to have

  any trouble with other

  students in this class.

  Uh . . . What do you mean

  by “other students” . . .

  I hear ya,

  cow sister.

  NO! That is not acceptable! You have to wait your turn

  just like everyone else! Do you understand?!

  But I’m . . .

  But I'm . . .

  No ifs, ands,

  or buts, little

  bunny. Sit

  down, please!

  Its your turn, Puppy, but I cant imagine what problem a sweet little puppy dog like you could ever have; although I wonder what we can do about that little drooling problem of yours.

  No one tells

  Dr. Lagomorph,

  mutant supervillain

  extraordinaire, that

  he can’t go first. It’s

  just not fair. I’ll bet

  that accursed Captain

  Fantasticat put her

  up to this.

  A BANDANA! What a wonderful idea! That will help to

  collect all of that drool before it gets too messy!

  And he looks absolutely adorable wearing it, too!

  Ummm . . . Miss Dee, is it my turn

  yet? May I go now?

  Yes, you may, little bunny. And thank you

  for asking so nicely.

  WHEW!

  Huff

  Puff

  Huff

  Puff

  That was very nice,

  little bunny.

  Well now, last but not least . . .

  I see from our report that you

  have a bad attitude and often

  have trouble controlling your

  temper. Is that true?

  Do you have

  anything to say

  for yourself ?

  Okay, then. You dont have to answer the question if you dont want to, but that does not give you the right to be rude to me.

  When youre ready to tell me why youre so angry, Ill be listening.

  Not cool,

  cow sister.

  Not cool.

  WHY DO DOGS AND

  CATS HATE EACH OTHER?

  Stop blaming

  dogs! This is

  all the fault

  of goofy

  cats!

  The problem between dogs and cats isn’t so much that they hate each other . . . they just don’t understand each other. Let’s think about how dogs and cats are different from each other.

  Dogs are very social. They live in packs and usually enjoy the company of other dogs. Dogs like to play by wrestling and biting. When a dog first meets you, he likes to sniff you (especially in places where you may not like to be sniffed).

  When a dog likes you, he expresses it by licking you. When a dog is happy, he wags his tail.

  Cats, on the other hand, are not social animals. They lead independent lives and usually do not seek the company of other cats. Except for when they’re young, cats do not play with each other and especially not by wrestling or biting. Cats don’t sniff things nearly as much as dogs. Cats generally only lick

  themselves, and then only to clean themselves. And cats only shake their tails when they’re feeling nervous or angry.

  Now imagine what happens when a strange dog and cat meet for the first time. The dog runs up to the cat with its tail wagging, expecting to sniff her, lick her, and play with her. But the cat meanwhile sees the dog’s running as an attack. She sees the wagging tail as a sign of anger. And the last thing the cat wants is to be sniffed (especially in a place where she doesn’t want to be sniffed), licked, and played with. So the cat either runs away or attacks, neither of which the dog expected.

  So now the dog has a perception that cats just aren’t friendly. This isn’t going to encourage the dog to be friendly with any cats in the future. And so begins a cycle of misunderstanding that can sometimes lead to a real mess.

  Okay, so maybe

  the dogs are just

  kinda sorta partly

  to blame.

  •CHAPTER FIVE•

  I want each of you to make me something that depicts what youre thinking about right now!

  What are you making there, little bunny?

  Dr. Lagomorph.

  I am making

  a sculpture of my

  arch nemesis,

  Captain

  Fantasticat!

  Once it is complete, I shall use it

  for performing dark and hideous

  experiments. Perhaps I will give it

  life! Yesss . . . LIFE! I shall build an

  entire army of evil

  Captain Fantasticat

  clones who will exist

  only to serve me in my

  fiendish goal to rule

  the entire world!

  THERE! It is done! Soon the whole

  world will tremble before my army

  of evil clones as they sweep across

  the planet conquering each town, city,

  and country one by one! No

  one will be shown mercy

  from my wrath, for

  my cruelty will be

  infinite!

  Its very nice.

  Thank you.

  How about you, Petunia? What are you painting there?