Bad Kitty Meets the Baby Read online

  it to climb back DOWN unless

  the cat goes backward. That

  might sound easy enough for

  you or me, but moving back-

  ward does not come naturally to cats. Think about it this

  way . . . When was the last time you saw a cat walk

  backward?

  I backed that goofy

  cat up against a wall

  a few days ago, and it

  was one of the worst

  experiences of my life!

  So what

  sometimes

  happens

  is that when

  a kitten or a

  cat who’s

  inexperienced

  with climbing goes

  up too high, she’ll

  realize that it’s too dangerous

  to jump down and simply won’t

  know what to do. What’s worse is that

  a frightened cat will often keep climbing

  higher and higher in the tree to find

  a different way down.

  Which is not at all like what

  happened to me when I got

  stuck in the tree. See, I kept

  climbing up and up thinking

  that the higher you get in

  the tree, the longer the

  branches get. And

  eventually I’d find

  a branch long

  enough to get me

  back down. Makes

  sense, right?

  •CHAPTER FOUR•

  THE PUSSYCAT

  OLYMPICS

  Well, old chum, it’s a beautiful day here inside the

  living room and I can think of no better way to

  celebrate the arrival of this new kitty than by

  once again holding . . .

  THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS!

  Conditions simply could not be

  better for these games, S.K.

  This carpet was vacuumed just

  two days ago!

  These games are always an exciting time when all

  of the kitties of the neighborhood can set aside

  their differences and compete together in the

  spirit of sportsmanship and fair play.

  I hope you’ll excuse this old feline if I get just a

  little choked up during the day.

  I understand, S.K.

  I really do.

  The athletes are entering the room!

  And what a colorful group they are!

  I know I say this every time,

  S.K., but this is always my

  favorite part of these games.

  Here comes Big Kitty! You can

  tell that he’s been training.

  The Twin Kitties look eager to compete.

  True champions, the both of them.

  Pretty Kitty is looking as lovely as

  ever! *sigh*

  And just behind her, Stinky Kitty is

  looking as filthy as ever! *Ack!*

  Here comes Chatty Kitty, trying to

  psyche out the competition as usual.

  And here comes our host kitty! Wow!

  I don’t know if I’ve ever seen such a

  look of determination on an athlete’s

  face. This could mean trouble!

  *Did you know that the first parade was really just a bunch of rocks that were all

  rolling down a hill at the same time and fell into a tuba? It’s true! I looked it up.

  And following her is the New Kitty.

  What do you think we can expect from

  this newcomer?

  Hard to say, S.K. She’s a plucky,

  young go-getter with a will to

  win. That much is for sure.

  This could get exciting, folks!

  LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

  This first event is always a crowd

  pleaser! It’s the STARE-AT-YOUR-

  SELF-IN-A-MIRROR-UNTIL-YOU-

  GET-BORED competition. Pretty Kitty

  remains undefeated in this event,

  but Stinky Kitty has promised to

  give her a challenge.

  Pretty Kitty’s looking good, S.K. And

  I mean very, VERY good. *sigh*

  Couldn’t you just swim in those big,

  dark, beautiful eyes? And her fur—

  so soft . . . so velvety . . .

  Sorry to interrupt, but something

  is happening out on the floor!

  Stinky Kitty is asleep! I think he’s

  always been asleep! That means he’s

  automatically disqualified! And that

  means this contest is just between . . .

  Hold that thought, S.K.!

  Something else is happening!

  WOW! Pretty Kitty was momentarily

  distracted! And that means that in a

  stunning upset, the NEW KITTY IS

  THE WINNER!

  S.K., I’m here in the living room

  talking with the winner.

  That was an incredible display,

  New Kitty. Can you give us

  some insight into your training

  program?

  Back to you, S.K.

  The BABBLING-ON-AND-ON-

  WITHOUT-STOPPING event has

  been Chatty Kitty’s domain for many

  years now. But Big Kitty is hoping

  for an upset today. And apparently

  so is our ambitious, young newcomer

  fresh from her recent victory.

  Let’s watch the action!

  *I was watching television last week when someone—I think he was either an actor or a

  doctor or an actor who plays a doctor on a TV show or a doctor who plays an actor on a TV show,

  but that doesn’t make any sense—said that eggs were good for a cat’s fur, which sounded just

  gross because I think your fur would get all sticky and weird if you rubbed eggs on yourself.

  This could go on for hours, folks.

  So feel free to step into another

  room to get a drink of water or

  find some cotton for your ears

  or . . .

  *He might have meant that you had to cook the eggs first, but how would you

  cook them? It might feel nice if you scrambled them, but that could still get messy,

  and hard-boiled eggs would feel kind of odd even if you peeled them. I think fried

  eggs would be the kind of eggs I would put on my fur because they would probably

  stick there the longest until, of course, it rained and then I would . . .

  BA!

  DID YOU

  SAY

  SOMETHING?

  NOT ME.

  WHY?

  Big Kitty and Chatty Kitty have

  both been left speechless!

  Speechless! What a stunning

  victory for New Kitty!

  Well, folks, despite protests from

  the neighbors, it’s time once again

  for the WHO-CAN-CREATE-THE-

  BIGGEST-STINK event, also known

  as the WHO-CAN-OUTSTINK-

  STINKY-KITTY competition. This

  is a grueling event that’s not for

  the faint of heart.

  The Twin Kitties took up the challenge

  this year. Rumor has it that they

  rolled around in the dumpster behind

  a seafood restaurant and bathed in

  garlic juice just before the event.

  But, as expected, even the Twin

  Kitties look overcome by the

  inspiringly putrid essence of

  Stinky Kitty. This event is just

  about over.

  But wait! New Kitty is entering the

  playing field! Could this amazing

  athlete really pose a challenge to

  Stinky Kitty?

  What could she possibly do this late

  in the game? What could she possibly

  do that could emit such a noxious

  odor big enough to . . .

  What an amazing athlete! What an

  amazing kitty! What a true champion!

  What a stunning defeat for Stinky

  Kitty! A new era has come! This day

  will go down in history!

  S.K., I’m down here once again with

  the winner—the winner of not just one

  but ALL THREE of the events played

  today . . . except that . . . I’m starting

  to feel a little lightheaded . . . and

  I think I should sit down . . . seeing

  spots . . . everything’s going black . . .

  WHEW! I think it’s time to change your diaper, young

  lady. And then we’ll get you something to eat.

  Tell Pretty Kitty

  that I . . .

  And now it’s time for the last event of

  the day, the one we’ve all been waiting

  for. Some would call this the most

  challenging of all the events in The

  Pussycat Olympics. Surely, it is the

  one event that separates the cats

  from the kittens. I’m speaking, of

  course, of THE EATING CONTEST!

  And no other kitty in the history of The

  Pussycat Olympics has ever dominated this sport

  more than our host. Time and time again, she

  has consumed more food than could ever be

  imagined. Time and time again, she has proved

  that no meal is too large, no food bowl too deep,

  no menu too absurd for this kitty and her

  extraordinary appetite.

  SUPPER TIME, KITTY!

  Is there no one bra
ve

  enough, heroic enough,

  hungry enough to challenge

  the champion? Is there no

  courageous kitty out there

  who is willing to test her

  appetite and her stomach

  against the master’s? No

  one? Really? No one?

  Could it be . . . ? Is it . . . ? YES,

  IT IS! It’s none other than the

  New Kitty! Could she perform the

  impossible and win EVERY event in

  The Pussycat Olympics?

  SUPPER TIME FOR YOU, TOO,

  HONEY!

  Okay, athletes! You know the

  rules! Whoever finishes her bowl

  of food first wins!

  ON YOUR MARK . . .

  GET SET . . .

  GO!

  WHAT AN INCREDIBLE

  PERFORMANCE! NEW KITTY HAS

  DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE AND

  WON EVERY SINGLE EVENT IN

  THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS!

  She’s more than just a kitty,

  she’s a SUPER KITTY!

  S.K., I’m feeling much better and

  am here speaking with the winner.

  That was an extraordinary

  performance today, New Kitty.

  To what do you owe your

  amazing abilities?

  Truer words

  have never

  been spoken.

  Ouch.

  And now, I’m

  going to speak to

  the LOSER.

  Tell us . . . now that you’ve LOST,

  can you tell our audience how it

  feels to have LOST because this

  is the first time you’ve ever LOST

  this event. Plus, you LOST to a

  newcomer.

  I mean . . . you didn’t just LOSE,

  you know, you LOST by a lot! You

  didn’t even come close! I saw the

  whole thing, and it was a pretty

  incredible LOSS. Were you even

  trying? Because you LOST pretty

  big time there!

  Which is to say . . . um . . . that . . . do

  you have any . . . uh . . . comments . . . ?

  Anything . . . ? Anything at all . . . ?

  Nothing . . . ? Really?

  Uh-oh.

  One more event has been added to

  the schedule, Folks—the 20-FOOT-

  CAT-SPRINT-OUT-THE-DOOR!

  Anyone who makes it back home in

  one piece is a winner!

  *Look out! Gangway! Move it or lose it!

  Thank you for joining us for The Pussycat

  Olympics. We now bring you our regularly

  scheduled screaming temper tantrum.

  •CHAPTER FIVE•

  OUR REGULARLY

  SCHEDULED

  SCREAMING

  TEMPER

  TANTRUM

  Well, Kitty . . . You’ve done it again. Everyone was

  having such such a nice time until you had to go and

  spoil it by freaking out. And why? Because you lost a

  few little games.

  We love you, Kitty, but sometimes you’re not just a

  Bad Kitty. Sometimes you’re a bad loser, too.

  No, Kitty. It’s not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault but your

  own.

  Now where do you think you’re going?

  No, Kitty. She’s not moving out. She’s staying here with

  us whether you like it or not.

  *Sigh* No, Kitty. We can’t ship her back to where she

  came from.

  No, Kitty. We’re not going to sell her either. Now

  stop it!

  Kitty, I just don’t understand why you’re acting so

  badly. The two of you have so much in common. You

  both like to scratch things. You both like to chew on

  things you shouldn’t. You obviously both like to eat

  a lot.

  And you’re both

  adopted.

  That’s right, Kitty. This baby needed someone to feed

  her. This baby needed someone to read her stories and

  play with her. This baby needed someone to love her

  and take good care of her—just like you and Puppy

  once needed all of those things.

  And this baby needed a place to live that was warm

  and safe and happy just like you and Puppy once

  needed this place.

  This baby needed a home just like you and Puppy once

  needed a home. And now she has all that . . .

  Just like you.

  Don’t cry, Kitty! Everything’s okay. We forgive you!

  Puppy, please stop! What are you crying about

  anyway?

  Listen, you two, if you don’t stop all this caterwauling

  and howling right now, you’re going to make the

  baby . . .

  Never mind.

  HOW DO YOU GET A CAT

  BACK DOWN FROM A TREE?

  You don’t!

  Life’s too

  short!

  In most cases, a cat stuck in a tree will find a way down

  all by herself once she figures out how to shimmy

  back down backward. But there are some techniques

  you can use to help her.

  1)

  Open a can of her favorite food

  underneath the tree. Make sure, if

  possible, that she sees it and then

  leave it at the bottom of the tree.

  Nothing will convince your cat to

  take a risk like a hungry stomach.

  2)

  If you have a ladder tall enough

  to reach the cat or even come a

  little close, then prop it up securely

  against the tree and let her climb

  down by herself.

  3)

  Leave her alone or at least walk

  away from the tree. Sometimes even

  your best intentions might make your

  cat even more nervous during this

  awful experience. Letting her find

  the food or the ladder by herself

  could be the best tactic.

  But if hours pass or it’s starting to get

  dark or cold outside, then it might be

  time to take matters into your own

  hands. If the cat isn’t too high up and

  if your ladder is sturdy enough, put

  on a thick coat and a pair of thick

  work gloves and go

  on up to get her. Move

  slowly so you don’t make her more

  nervous. Try to grab her by the scruff of

  the neck. Even though cats hate this,

  you’ll need your other hand to climb

  back down.

  If the situation becomes a real emergency or if the cat

  is just too high up to reach by yourself, avoid calling

  the fire department if at all possible. Despite their

  reputation, many fire departments have a strict policy