Bad Kitty Meets the Baby Read online

  For Emma, Isaac,

  Lila, Will,

  and Isabel

  Copyright © 2011 by Nick Bruel

  A Neal Porter Book

  Published by Roaring Brook Press

  Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership

  175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010

  mackids.com

  All rights reserved

  -

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Bruel, Nick.

  Bad kitty meets the baby / Nick Bruel. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  “A Neal Porter Book.”

  Summary: Bad kitty is not pleased when a baby joins her family. Includes

  fun facts and tips for training a cat to perform tricks.

  ISBN 978-1-59643-597-1

  [1. Cats—Fiction. 2. Babies—Fiction. 3. Adoption—Fiction. 4. Humorous

  stories.] I. Title.

  PZ7.B82832Bam 2011

  [E]—dc22

  2010035699

  Roaring Brook Press books are available for special promotions and premiums.

  For details contact: Director of Special Markets, Holtzbrinck Publishers.

  First Edition 2011

  Printed in July 2011 in the United States of America by RR Donnelley & Sons Company,

  Crawfordsville, Indiana

  3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4

  • CONTENTS •

  INTRODUCTION

  IN THE BEGINNING

  CHAPTER ONE

  A SHORT TIME AWAY

  CHAPTER TWO

  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?

  CHAPTER THREE

  ANOTHER DOG!

  CHAPTER FOUR

  THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS

  CHAPTER FIVE

  OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED

  SCREAMING TEMPER TANTRUM

  CHAPTER SIX

  A NEW BEGINNING

  APPENDIX

  •INTRODUCTION•

  IN THE

  BEGINNING

  IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS KITTY.

  Just Kitty.

  Only Kitty.

  Kitty—all by herself.

  And life was good.

  Kitty ate her food—alone.

  Kitty played with her toys—alone.

  Kitty slept on the sofa—alone.

  The years passed, and Kitty was happy to eat alone,

  play alone, and sleep alone. Life continued to be

  good—alone.

  BUT ONE DAY . . .

  . . . the skies became dark, the ground began to

  shake, the air became cold and dank and filled with

  a horrible stench.

  A foul and wretched beast had arrived as if from

  nowhere.

  Its face was deformed and grotesque. Its massive black

  nose was always cold and always wet. Its breath

  was so hot and so foul that its odor could mask the

  stench of a hundred dead fish lying in the sun. And it

  seemed to be filled with a noxious, clear liquid that

  continuously dripped out of the vast, gaping maw it

  called its mouth.

  But what was worst of all, worse than its ugliness,

  worse than its terrible stink, and even worse than the

  never-ending trail of ooze it left behind wherever it

  went . . .

  . . . was that the beast never seemed to sleep.

  Kitty fought bravely to rid her once peaceful kingdom

  of the cruel beast. But even she wasn’t mighty enough

  to defeat the evil creature.

  Every time they confronted each other, the hideous

  beast would smear his foul, oily liquid on Kitty as if

  preparing to devour her.

  Survival became a daily challenge for poor Kitty.

  Over time, Kitty became used to life with the beast.

  Even its horrible odor became tolerable. The brave

  Kitty had found areas of shelter where she could evade

  the beast and its terrible liquid.

  At times, though she would never admit it, she became

  almost fond of the beast.

  Almost.

  Life was not as it once was, but eventually it became

  good again.

  Little did Kitty know that soon there would be another.

  •CHAPTER ONE•

  A SHORT TIME AWAY

  GOOD MORNING, KITTY!

  I suppose you’re wondering why there are so many

  bags and suitcases on the floor.

  Well, that’s because we’re going on a very special trip!

  Uh . . . that is . . . WE are going on a very special trip.

  Sorry, Kitty, but you’ll be staying here at home with

  Puppy.

  Oh, don’t be like that, Kitty. We won’t be gone for long.

  And when we get back from our very special trip, we’ll

  have a very special surprise for you.

  Meanwhile, good ol’ Uncle Murray has agreed to stay

  here and take good care of you and Puppy while we’re

  away. Isn’t that nice?

  Hi, dog. Hi there,

  ya goofy cat. We’re

  going to have some

  fun together. Right?

  So, Kitty, make sure that you listen to everything that

  Uncle Murray tells you. And make sure that you play

  nicely with Puppy. And make sure that you don’t make

  a big mess while we’re away.

  Ahhh . . . We’re going to

  get along just fine!

  Right, cat?!

  Goodbye, Kitty! Goodbye, Puppy! Goodbye, Uncle

  Murray! We’ll see you in one week!

  Goodbye! Good

  luck! Don’t you

  worry about a

  thing. We’ll all

  be just fine!

  DAY ONE

  Hello, Fire Department?

  Hi. I have a cat stuck in a

  tree. Can you come over

  as soon as possible?

  Thanks.

  DAY TWO

  Hello, Fire

  Department? Hi.

  I have a dog stuck

  in a tree. That’s

  right. I said

  “dog.” Can you

  come right

  over?

  Thanks!

  DAY THREE

  Hello, Fire Department?

  Hi. It’s me again. Heh-heh!

  Well, you’re not going to

  believe this, but that

  cat and dog are both

  stuck up in that tree

  again and . . . you

  know the address.

  Thank you.

  DAY FOUR

  Hello, Fire Department?

  Hi. You’re not going to

  believe this, but this

  time I’m the one stuck in

  the tree. It’s kind of a

  funny story. You see . . .

  Hello? Hello?

  DAY FIVE

  Hello, Fire

  Hi. Still in the tree here,

  so whenever you get

  the chance . . .

  DAY SIX

  Hello, Fire Department? Hi.

  Yup, it’s me yet again.

  Well . . . now I have a

  refrigerator stuck up in

  the tree. That’s right,

  a refrigerator. See,

  the cat was chasing

  the dog and then . . .

  Hello? Hello?

  DAY SEVEN

  Hello, plant nursery? Hi.

  I need to order a

  new tree.
r />   WHY DO CATS

  CLIMB TREES?

  ‘Cause

  they’re out

  of their

  #@% minds!

  That’s why!

  All cats like to climb trees. Even big cats like lions and

  jaguars (but not most tigers) like to climb trees. And

  they all do it for three different reasons.

  1)

  Cats like to climb trees . . . well . . .

  because they like to. Cats aren’t

  very tall, so climbing up things like

  trees will give them the opportunity

  to see their surroundings from up

  high. Plus, while they’re at it, climb-

  ing up a tree gives cats the

  opportunity to sharpen their claws, which they do all the time anyway.

  And the higher up they

  go, the thinner the air,

  which is why they go

  #%&*@ crazy!

  2)

  Cats will also climb trees

  because they’re predators,

  which means that they hunt

  other animals. When they

  climb up a tree to inspect

  their surroundings, part of

  what they’re looking for is something to eat. And as

  an added bonus, there happen to be some tasty

  things like birds and squirrels already nesting in

  those trees.

  Squirrels?! They eat

  squirrels?! Birds I knew

  about. But squirrels?!

  That’s proof that cats

  are #%&*@ crazy!

  3)

  Cats may be predators, but

  there are other bigger animals

  like dogs who sometimes attack

  cats. Climbing up a tree can

  often save a cat from harm.

  Don’t you believe it!

  That dog wouldn’t

  hurt a fly!

  ONE WEEK LATER . . .

  Thank you so much, Uncle Murray, for taking such

  good care of Kitty and Puppy. I hope they weren’t

  too much trouble.

  How’d they get a refrigerator

  up there? It must weigh 200

  pounds. At least. And it was

  a nice one, too. It made ice.

  The kind with the little holes.

  I like those. They’re fancy.

  But not too fancy. But how’d

  they get it up there? A

  toaster . . . maybe. But a

  refrigerator? How’d they

  get it up there . . .

  Goodbye, Uncle Murray!

  Hi, Kitty. Awww . . . You’re not still sore at us for going

  on that trip without you, are you? Well, this will cheer

  you up! Do you remember that real big surprise we

  promised you? Do you? Do you?

  WELL, HERE SHE IS!

  •CHAPTER TWO•

  WHAT THE HECK

  IS THAT THING?

  HI THERE! AND WELCOME TO THE INSIDE

  OF KITTY’S BRAIN AND THE HOTTEST

  GAME SHOW IN TOWN . . .

  WHAT THE HECK

  IS THAT THING?

  AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO OUR USUAL

  PANEL OF CONTESTANTS—PANIC, HUNGER,

  AND LAZY!

  Oh, wow! This is bad!

  Really bad! I shouldn’t

  be here! No, wait . . .

  I have to be here!

  No, wait . . .

  Can I have a taco?

  Zzzzz . . .

  PANIC, SINCE YOU CAME CLOSEST LAST

  WEEK WHEN YOU IDENTIFIED THE DUST

  BALL WE SAW UNDER THE SOFA AS “SOME

  SORT OF FUZZY COCKROACH MONSTER THAT

  WILL EAT US ALL,” YOU GET TO BE THE

  FIRST TO PLAY WHAT THE HECK IS THAT

  THING?

  Oh, wow! It’s big. I mean, it’s really big!

  And it drools a lot! I’ve never seen

  anything like it before! I should attack

  it. No, wait . . . I should run away! No,

  wait . . . I should attack it! No, wait . . .

  HUNGER, IT’S YOUR TURN TO PLAY WHAT

  THE HECK IS THAT THING?

  I don’t know, but it smells funny . . . like

  a liver, fish, and onion taco.

  LAZY! LET’S HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?

  GOOD POINTS, EVERYBODY! IT’S BIG, IT

  DROOLS, IT SMELLS FUNNY, AND IT’S VERY

  NOISY! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, PANIC?

  ANY GUESSES?

  Oh, Wow! That’s not good! Very

  bad! Very, very bad! We should

  attack! No, wait . . . We should

  run away! No, wait . . .

  HUNGER! WHAT SAY YOU, MY FRIEND?

  I love milk. I love tuna. I love

  tacos. But if I mix them all

  together, I get nauseous. But

  it’s always worth it.

  ANYTHING MORE TO ADD, LAZY?

  TIME’S UP, CONTESTANTS! IT’S TIME TO

  LOCK IN YOUR ANSWERS. REMEMBER . . . THE

  CLUES ARE: IT’S BIG, IT DROOLS A LOT, IT

  SMELLS TERRIBLE, AND IT’S NOISY.

  CONTESTANTS, THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE

  THING! IT’S . . .

  •CHAPTER THREE•

  ANOTHER

  DOG!

  Well, Kitty, what do you think of our big surprise?

  Isn’t she wonderful?

  Oh, Kitty. Don’t be like that. She’s harmless. And the

  two of you have a lot in common. Really.

  And just to prove it, I’ve invited all of your friends over

  to meet the newest addition to our family.

  Look, Kitty! It’s all of the other kitties in the neighbor-

  hood! They’ll prove to you that you have nothing to

  worry about!

  *We would have been here sooner, but there was this really weird thing rolling

  around in the grass that could have been a snake or an armadillo or a hamburger

  wrapper, and we wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a hamburger wrapper . . .

  Awww! Isn’t that sweet! They like her already. Now,

  aren’t you ashamed of yourself, Kitty?

  so we all stopped to take turns sniffing it to make sure there wasn’t any hamburger

  left in it and there wasn’t, which was upsetting af first until we realized that

  at least it wasn’t a snake or an armadillo, whatever that is.

  Look! Big Kitty is noticing how big she is!

  Awww! Isn’t that sweet! Big Kitty must think she’s

  another kitty!

  The Twin Kitties are noticing how much she likes

  to play with their cat toys. They must think she’s

  another kitty, too.

  Stinky Kitty is noticing how . . . well . . . how stinky

  she can be. Stinky Kitty must think she’s another kitty.

  Chatty Kitty is noticing how talkative she is. Chatty Kitty

  must think she’s another kitty.

  *I like chicken. I like tuna. I like mackerel. I like . . .

  Pretty Kitty is noticing how soft and delicate she is.

  Pretty Kitty must think she’s another kitty.

  What do YOU think, Strange Kitty?

  Hmmmm . . .

  Hmmmm . . .

  In issue #189 of ASTONISHING CAT

  COMICS, when The Fantastic Feline Five

  travel across the galaxy to the Purple

  Panther Planet, what does the Jaguar

  Queen say to Mighty Manx that helps him

  turn his archenemy Obnoxious Ocelot into

  a 40-pound block of Gorgonzola cheese?

  Only a true kitty would have known

  that! So, it’s official! She’s one of us!

  And that means it’s time for . . .

&
nbsp; THE

  PUSSYCAT

  OLYMPICS!

  WHY DO CATS GET

  STUCK IN TREES?

  Do we have

  to do this

  now? I just

  got home,

  and I’m

  tired!

  If you look at a cat’s claws

  close up, you’ll see that they

  all curve inward toward their

  paws. This means that it’s very

  easy for a cat to climb UP

  something, but not so easy for