Bad Kitty Meets the Baby Page 2
it to climb back DOWN unless
the cat goes backward. That
might sound easy enough for
you or me, but moving back-
ward does not come naturally to cats. Think about it this
way . . . When was the last time you saw a cat walk
backward?
I backed that goofy
cat up against a wall
a few days ago, and it
was one of the worst
experiences of my life!
So what
sometimes
happens
is that when
a kitten or a
cat who’s
inexperienced
with climbing goes
up too high, she’ll
realize that it’s too dangerous
to jump down and simply won’t
know what to do. What’s worse is that
a frightened cat will often keep climbing
higher and higher in the tree to find
a different way down.
Which is not at all like what
happened to me when I got
stuck in the tree. See, I kept
climbing up and up thinking
that the higher you get in
the tree, the longer the
branches get. And
eventually I’d find
a branch long
enough to get me
back down. Makes
sense, right?
•CHAPTER FOUR•
THE PUSSYCAT
OLYMPICS
Well, old chum, it’s a beautiful day here inside the
living room and I can think of no better way to
celebrate the arrival of this new kitty than by
once again holding . . .
THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS!
Conditions simply could not be
better for these games, S.K.
This carpet was vacuumed just
two days ago!
These games are always an exciting time when all
of the kitties of the neighborhood can set aside
their differences and compete together in the
spirit of sportsmanship and fair play.
I hope you’ll excuse this old feline if I get just a
little choked up during the day.
I understand, S.K.
I really do.
The athletes are entering the room!
And what a colorful group they are!
I know I say this every time,
S.K., but this is always my
favorite part of these games.
Here comes Big Kitty! You can
tell that he’s been training.
The Twin Kitties look eager to compete.
True champions, the both of them.
Pretty Kitty is looking as lovely as
ever! *sigh*
And just behind her, Stinky Kitty is
looking as filthy as ever! *Ack!*
Here comes Chatty Kitty, trying to
psyche out the competition as usual.
And here comes our host kitty! Wow!
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen such a
look of determination on an athlete’s
face. This could mean trouble!
*Did you know that the first parade was really just a bunch of rocks that were all
rolling down a hill at the same time and fell into a tuba? It’s true! I looked it up.
And following her is the New Kitty.
What do you think we can expect from
this newcomer?
Hard to say, S.K. She’s a plucky,
young go-getter with a will to
win. That much is for sure.
This could get exciting, folks!
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
This first event is always a crowd
pleaser! It’s the STARE-AT-YOUR-
SELF-IN-A-MIRROR-UNTIL-YOU-
GET-BORED competition. Pretty Kitty
remains undefeated in this event,
but Stinky Kitty has promised to
give her a challenge.
Pretty Kitty’s looking good, S.K. And
I mean very, VERY good. *sigh*
Couldn’t you just swim in those big,
dark, beautiful eyes? And her fur—
so soft . . . so velvety . . .
Sorry to interrupt, but something
is happening out on the floor!
Stinky Kitty is asleep! I think he’s
always been asleep! That means he’s
automatically disqualified! And that
means this contest is just between . . .
Hold that thought, S.K.!
Something else is happening!
WOW! Pretty Kitty was momentarily
distracted! And that means that in a
stunning upset, the NEW KITTY IS
THE WINNER!
S.K., I’m here in the living room
talking with the winner.
That was an incredible display,
New Kitty. Can you give us
some insight into your training
program?
Back to you, S.K.
The BABBLING-ON-AND-ON-
WITHOUT-STOPPING event has
been Chatty Kitty’s domain for many
years now. But Big Kitty is hoping
for an upset today. And apparently
so is our ambitious, young newcomer
fresh from her recent victory.
Let’s watch the action!
*I was watching television last week when someone—I think he was either an actor or a
doctor or an actor who plays a doctor on a TV show or a doctor who plays an actor on a TV show,
but that doesn’t make any sense—said that eggs were good for a cat’s fur, which sounded just
gross because I think your fur would get all sticky and weird if you rubbed eggs on yourself.
This could go on for hours, folks.
So feel free to step into another
room to get a drink of water or
find some cotton for your ears
or . . .
*He might have meant that you had to cook the eggs first, but how would you
cook them? It might feel nice if you scrambled them, but that could still get messy,
and hard-boiled eggs would feel kind of odd even if you peeled them. I think fried
eggs would be the kind of eggs I would put on my fur because they would probably
stick there the longest until, of course, it rained and then I would . . .
BA!
DID YOU
SAY
SOMETHING?
NOT ME.
WHY?
Big Kitty and Chatty Kitty have
both been left speechless!
Speechless! What a stunning
victory for New Kitty!
Well, folks, despite protests from
the neighbors, it’s time once again
for the WHO-CAN-CREATE-THE-
BIGGEST-STINK event, also known
as the WHO-CAN-OUTSTINK-
STINKY-KITTY competition. This
is a grueling event that’s not for
the faint of heart.
The Twin Kitties took up the challenge
this year. Rumor has it that they
rolled around in the dumpster behind
a seafood restaurant and bathed in
garlic juice just before the event.
But, as expected, even the Twin
Kitties look overcome by the
inspiringly putrid essence of
Stinky Kitty. This event is just
about over.
But wait! New Kitty is entering the
playing field! Could this amazing
athlete really pose a challenge to
Stinky Kitty?
What could she possibly do this late
in the game? What could she possibly
do that could emit such a noxious
odor big enough to . . .
What an amazing athlete! What an
amazing kitty! What a true champion!
What a stunning defeat for Stinky
Kitty! A new era has come! This day
will go down in history!
S.K., I’m down here once again with
the winner—the winner of not just one
but ALL THREE of the events played
today . . . except that . . . I’m starting
to feel a little lightheaded . . . and
I think I should sit down . . . seeing
spots . . . everything’s going black . . .
WHEW! I think it’s time to change your diaper, young
lady. And then we’ll get you something to eat.
Tell Pretty Kitty
that I . . .
And now it’s time for the last event of
the day, the one we’ve all been waiting
for. Some would call this the most
challenging of all the events in The
Pussycat Olympics. Surely, it is the
one event that separates the cats
from the kittens. I’m speaking, of
course, of THE EATING CONTEST!
And no other kitty in the history of The
Pussycat Olympics has ever dominated this sport
more than our host. Time and time again, she
has consumed more food than could ever be
imagined. Time and time again, she has proved
that no meal is too large, no food bowl too deep,
no menu too absurd for this kitty and her
extraordinary appetite.
SUPPER TIME, KITTY!
Is there no one bra
ve
enough, heroic enough,
hungry enough to challenge
the champion? Is there no
courageous kitty out there
who is willing to test her
appetite and her stomach
against the master’s? No
one? Really? No one?
Could it be . . . ? Is it . . . ? YES,
IT IS! It’s none other than the
New Kitty! Could she perform the
impossible and win EVERY event in
The Pussycat Olympics?
SUPPER TIME FOR YOU, TOO,
HONEY!
Okay, athletes! You know the
rules! Whoever finishes her bowl
of food first wins!
ON YOUR MARK . . .
GET SET . . .
GO!
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE
PERFORMANCE! NEW KITTY HAS
DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE AND
WON EVERY SINGLE EVENT IN
THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS!
She’s more than just a kitty,
she’s a SUPER KITTY!
S.K., I’m feeling much better and
am here speaking with the winner.
That was an extraordinary
performance today, New Kitty.
To what do you owe your
amazing abilities?
Truer words
have never
been spoken.
Ouch.
And now, I’m
going to speak to
the LOSER.
Tell us . . . now that you’ve LOST,
can you tell our audience how it
feels to have LOST because this
is the first time you’ve ever LOST
this event. Plus, you LOST to a
newcomer.
I mean . . . you didn’t just LOSE,
you know, you LOST by a lot! You
didn’t even come close! I saw the
whole thing, and it was a pretty
incredible LOSS. Were you even
trying? Because you LOST pretty
big time there!
Which is to say . . . um . . . that . . . do
you have any . . . uh . . . comments . . . ?
Anything . . . ? Anything at all . . . ?
Nothing . . . ? Really?
Uh-oh.
One more event has been added to
the schedule, Folks—the 20-FOOT-
CAT-SPRINT-OUT-THE-DOOR!
Anyone who makes it back home in
one piece is a winner!
*Look out! Gangway! Move it or lose it!
Thank you for joining us for The Pussycat
Olympics. We now bring you our regularly
scheduled screaming temper tantrum.
•CHAPTER FIVE•
OUR REGULARLY
SCHEDULED
SCREAMING
TEMPER
TANTRUM
Well, Kitty . . . You’ve done it again. Everyone was
having such such a nice time until you had to go and
spoil it by freaking out. And why? Because you lost a
few little games.
We love you, Kitty, but sometimes you’re not just a
Bad Kitty. Sometimes you’re a bad loser, too.
No, Kitty. It’s not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault but your
own.
Now where do you think you’re going?
No, Kitty. She’s not moving out. She’s staying here with
us whether you like it or not.
*Sigh* No, Kitty. We can’t ship her back to where she
came from.
No, Kitty. We’re not going to sell her either. Now
stop it!
Kitty, I just don’t understand why you’re acting so
badly. The two of you have so much in common. You
both like to scratch things. You both like to chew on
things you shouldn’t. You obviously both like to eat
a lot.
And you’re both
adopted.
That’s right, Kitty. This baby needed someone to feed
her. This baby needed someone to read her stories and
play with her. This baby needed someone to love her
and take good care of her—just like you and Puppy
once needed all of those things.
And this baby needed a place to live that was warm
and safe and happy just like you and Puppy once
needed this place.
This baby needed a home just like you and Puppy once
needed a home. And now she has all that . . .
Just like you.
Don’t cry, Kitty! Everything’s okay. We forgive you!
Puppy, please stop! What are you crying about
anyway?
Listen, you two, if you don’t stop all this caterwauling
and howling right now, you’re going to make the
baby . . .
Never mind.
HOW DO YOU GET A CAT
BACK DOWN FROM A TREE?
You don’t!
Life’s too
short!
In most cases, a cat stuck in a tree will find a way down
all by herself once she figures out how to shimmy
back down backward. But there are some techniques
you can use to help her.
1)
Open a can of her favorite food
underneath the tree. Make sure, if
possible, that she sees it and then
leave it at the bottom of the tree.
Nothing will convince your cat to
take a risk like a hungry stomach.
2)
If you have a ladder tall enough
to reach the cat or even come a
little close, then prop it up securely
against the tree and let her climb
down by herself.
3)
Leave her alone or at least walk
away from the tree. Sometimes even
your best intentions might make your
cat even more nervous during this
awful experience. Letting her find
the food or the ladder by herself
could be the best tactic.
But if hours pass or it’s starting to get
dark or cold outside, then it might be
time to take matters into your own
hands. If the cat isn’t too high up and
if your ladder is sturdy enough, put
on a thick coat and a pair of thick
work gloves and go
on up to get her. Move
slowly so you don’t make her more
nervous. Try to grab her by the scruff of
the neck. Even though cats hate this,
you’ll need your other hand to climb
back down.
If the situation becomes a real emergency or if the cat
is just too high up to reach by yourself, avoid calling
the fire department if at all possible. Despite their
reputation, many fire departments have a strict policy