Bad Kitty Meets the Baby
For Emma, Isaac,
Lila, Will,
and Isabel
Copyright © 2011 by Nick Bruel
A Neal Porter Book
Published by Roaring Brook Press
Roaring Brook Press is a division of Holtzbrinck Publishing Holdings Limited Partnership
175 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10010
mackids.com
All rights reserved
-
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bruel, Nick.
Bad kitty meets the baby / Nick Bruel. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
“A Neal Porter Book.”
Summary: Bad kitty is not pleased when a baby joins her family. Includes
fun facts and tips for training a cat to perform tricks.
ISBN 978-1-59643-597-1
[1. Cats—Fiction. 2. Babies—Fiction. 3. Adoption—Fiction. 4. Humorous
stories.] I. Title.
PZ7.B82832Bam 2011
[E]—dc22
2010035699
Roaring Brook Press books are available for special promotions and premiums.
For details contact: Director of Special Markets, Holtzbrinck Publishers.
First Edition 2011
Printed in July 2011 in the United States of America by RR Donnelley & Sons Company,
Crawfordsville, Indiana
3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4
• CONTENTS •
INTRODUCTION
IN THE BEGINNING
CHAPTER ONE
A SHORT TIME AWAY
CHAPTER TWO
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
CHAPTER THREE
ANOTHER DOG!
CHAPTER FOUR
THE PUSSYCAT OLYMPICS
CHAPTER FIVE
OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED
SCREAMING TEMPER TANTRUM
CHAPTER SIX
A NEW BEGINNING
APPENDIX
•INTRODUCTION•
IN THE
BEGINNING
IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS KITTY.
Just Kitty.
Only Kitty.
Kitty—all by herself.
And life was good.
Kitty ate her food—alone.
Kitty played with her toys—alone.
Kitty slept on the sofa—alone.
The years passed, and Kitty was happy to eat alone,
play alone, and sleep alone. Life continued to be
good—alone.
BUT ONE DAY . . .
. . . the skies became dark, the ground began to
shake, the air became cold and dank and filled with
a horrible stench.
A foul and wretched beast had arrived as if from
nowhere.
Its face was deformed and grotesque. Its massive black
nose was always cold and always wet. Its breath
was so hot and so foul that its odor could mask the
stench of a hundred dead fish lying in the sun. And it
seemed to be filled with a noxious, clear liquid that
continuously dripped out of the vast, gaping maw it
called its mouth.
But what was worst of all, worse than its ugliness,
worse than its terrible stink, and even worse than the
never-ending trail of ooze it left behind wherever it
went . . .
. . . was that the beast never seemed to sleep.
Kitty fought bravely to rid her once peaceful kingdom
of the cruel beast. But even she wasn’t mighty enough
to defeat the evil creature.
Every time they confronted each other, the hideous
beast would smear his foul, oily liquid on Kitty as if
preparing to devour her.
Survival became a daily challenge for poor Kitty.
Over time, Kitty became used to life with the beast.
Even its horrible odor became tolerable. The brave
Kitty had found areas of shelter where she could evade
the beast and its terrible liquid.
At times, though she would never admit it, she became
almost fond of the beast.
Almost.
Life was not as it once was, but eventually it became
good again.
Little did Kitty know that soon there would be another.
•CHAPTER ONE•
A SHORT TIME AWAY
GOOD MORNING, KITTY!
I suppose you’re wondering why there are so many
bags and suitcases on the floor.
Well, that’s because we’re going on a very special trip!
Uh . . . that is . . . WE are going on a very special trip.
Sorry, Kitty, but you’ll be staying here at home with
Puppy.
Oh, don’t be like that, Kitty. We won’t be gone for long.
And when we get back from our very special trip, we’ll
have a very special surprise for you.
Meanwhile, good ol’ Uncle Murray has agreed to stay
here and take good care of you and Puppy while we’re
away. Isn’t that nice?
Hi, dog. Hi there,
ya goofy cat. We’re
going to have some
fun together. Right?
So, Kitty, make sure that you listen to everything that
Uncle Murray tells you. And make sure that you play
nicely with Puppy. And make sure that you don’t make
a big mess while we’re away.
Ahhh . . . We’re going to
get along just fine!
Right, cat?!
Goodbye, Kitty! Goodbye, Puppy! Goodbye, Uncle
Murray! We’ll see you in one week!
Goodbye! Good
luck! Don’t you
worry about a
thing. We’ll all
be just fine!
DAY ONE
Hello, Fire Department?
Hi. I have a cat stuck in a
tree. Can you come over
as soon as possible?
Thanks.
DAY TWO
Hello, Fire
Department? Hi.
I have a dog stuck
in a tree. That’s
right. I said
“dog.” Can you
come right
over?
Thanks!
DAY THREE
Hello, Fire Department?
Hi. It’s me again. Heh-heh!
Well, you’re not going to
believe this, but that
cat and dog are both
stuck up in that tree
again and . . . you
know the address.
Thank you.
DAY FOUR
Hello, Fire Department?
Hi. You’re not going to
believe this, but this
time I’m the one stuck in
the tree. It’s kind of a
funny story. You see . . .
Hello? Hello?
DAY FIVE
Hello, Fire
Hi. Still in the tree here,
so whenever you get
the chance . . .
DAY SIX
Hello, Fire Department? Hi.
Yup, it’s me yet again.
Well . . . now I have a
refrigerator stuck up in
the tree. That’s right,
a refrigerator. See,
the cat was chasing
the dog and then . . .
Hello? Hello?
DAY SEVEN
Hello, plant nursery? Hi.
I need to order a
new tree.
WHY DO CATS
CLIMB TREES?
‘Cause
they’re out
of their
#@% minds!
That’s why!
All cats like to climb trees. Even big cats like lions and
jaguars (but not most tigers) like to climb trees. And
they all do it for three different reasons.
1)
Cats like to climb trees . . . well . . .
because they like to. Cats aren’t
very tall, so climbing up things like
trees will give them the opportunity
to see their surroundings from up
high. Plus, while they’re at it, climb-
ing up a tree gives cats the
opportunity to sharpen their claws, which they do all the time anyway.
And the higher up they
go, the thinner the air,
which is why they go
#%&*@ crazy!
2)
Cats will also climb trees
because they’re predators,
which means that they hunt
other animals. When they
climb up a tree to inspect
their surroundings, part of
what they’re looking for is something to eat. And as
an added bonus, there happen to be some tasty
things like birds and squirrels already nesting in
those trees.
Squirrels?! They eat
squirrels?! Birds I knew
about. But squirrels?!
That’s proof that cats
are #%&*@ crazy!
3)
Cats may be predators, but
there are other bigger animals
like dogs who sometimes attack
/>
cats. Climbing up a tree can
often save a cat from harm.
Don’t you believe it!
That dog wouldn’t
hurt a fly!
ONE WEEK LATER . . .
Thank you so much, Uncle Murray, for taking such
good care of Kitty and Puppy. I hope they weren’t
too much trouble.
How’d they get a refrigerator
up there? It must weigh 200
pounds. At least. And it was
a nice one, too. It made ice.
The kind with the little holes.
I like those. They’re fancy.
But not too fancy. But how’d
they get it up there? A
toaster . . . maybe. But a
refrigerator? How’d they
get it up there . . .
Goodbye, Uncle Murray!
Hi, Kitty. Awww . . . You’re not still sore at us for going
on that trip without you, are you? Well, this will cheer
you up! Do you remember that real big surprise we
promised you? Do you? Do you?
WELL, HERE SHE IS!
•CHAPTER TWO•
WHAT THE HECK
IS THAT THING?
HI THERE! AND WELCOME TO THE INSIDE
OF KITTY’S BRAIN AND THE HOTTEST
GAME SHOW IN TOWN . . .
WHAT THE HECK
IS THAT THING?
AND WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO OUR USUAL
PANEL OF CONTESTANTS—PANIC, HUNGER,
AND LAZY!
Oh, wow! This is bad!
Really bad! I shouldn’t
be here! No, wait . . .
I have to be here!
No, wait . . .
Can I have a taco?
Zzzzz . . .
PANIC, SINCE YOU CAME CLOSEST LAST
WEEK WHEN YOU IDENTIFIED THE DUST
BALL WE SAW UNDER THE SOFA AS “SOME
SORT OF FUZZY COCKROACH MONSTER THAT
WILL EAT US ALL,” YOU GET TO BE THE
FIRST TO PLAY WHAT THE HECK IS THAT
THING?
Oh, wow! It’s big. I mean, it’s really big!
And it drools a lot! I’ve never seen
anything like it before! I should attack
it. No, wait . . . I should run away! No,
wait . . . I should attack it! No, wait . . .
HUNGER, IT’S YOUR TURN TO PLAY WHAT
THE HECK IS THAT THING?
I don’t know, but it smells funny . . . like
a liver, fish, and onion taco.
LAZY! LET’S HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
GOOD POINTS, EVERYBODY! IT’S BIG, IT
DROOLS, IT SMELLS FUNNY, AND IT’S VERY
NOISY! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, PANIC?
ANY GUESSES?
Oh, Wow! That’s not good! Very
bad! Very, very bad! We should
attack! No, wait . . . We should
run away! No, wait . . .
HUNGER! WHAT SAY YOU, MY FRIEND?
I love milk. I love tuna. I love
tacos. But if I mix them all
together, I get nauseous. But
it’s always worth it.
ANYTHING MORE TO ADD, LAZY?
TIME’S UP, CONTESTANTS! IT’S TIME TO
LOCK IN YOUR ANSWERS. REMEMBER . . . THE
CLUES ARE: IT’S BIG, IT DROOLS A LOT, IT
SMELLS TERRIBLE, AND IT’S NOISY.
CONTESTANTS, THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE
THING! IT’S . . .
•CHAPTER THREE•
ANOTHER
DOG!
Well, Kitty, what do you think of our big surprise?
Isn’t she wonderful?
Oh, Kitty. Don’t be like that. She’s harmless. And the
two of you have a lot in common. Really.
And just to prove it, I’ve invited all of your friends over
to meet the newest addition to our family.
Look, Kitty! It’s all of the other kitties in the neighbor-
hood! They’ll prove to you that you have nothing to
worry about!
*We would have been here sooner, but there was this really weird thing rolling
around in the grass that could have been a snake or an armadillo or a hamburger
wrapper, and we wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a hamburger wrapper . . .
Awww! Isn’t that sweet! They like her already. Now,
aren’t you ashamed of yourself, Kitty?
so we all stopped to take turns sniffing it to make sure there wasn’t any hamburger
left in it and there wasn’t, which was upsetting af first until we realized that
at least it wasn’t a snake or an armadillo, whatever that is.
Look! Big Kitty is noticing how big she is!
Awww! Isn’t that sweet! Big Kitty must think she’s
another kitty!
The Twin Kitties are noticing how much she likes
to play with their cat toys. They must think she’s
another kitty, too.
Stinky Kitty is noticing how . . . well . . . how stinky
she can be. Stinky Kitty must think she’s another kitty.
Chatty Kitty is noticing how talkative she is. Chatty Kitty
must think she’s another kitty.
*I like chicken. I like tuna. I like mackerel. I like . . .
Pretty Kitty is noticing how soft and delicate she is.
Pretty Kitty must think she’s another kitty.
What do YOU think, Strange Kitty?
Hmmmm . . .
Hmmmm . . .
In issue #189 of ASTONISHING CAT
COMICS, when The Fantastic Feline Five
travel across the galaxy to the Purple
Panther Planet, what does the Jaguar
Queen say to Mighty Manx that helps him
turn his archenemy Obnoxious Ocelot into
a 40-pound block of Gorgonzola cheese?
Only a true kitty would have known
that! So, it’s official! She’s one of us!
And that means it’s time for . . .
THE
PUSSYCAT
OLYMPICS!
WHY DO CATS GET
STUCK IN TREES?
Do we have
to do this
now? I just
got home,
and I’m
tired!
If you look at a cat’s claws
close up, you’ll see that they
all curve inward toward their
paws. This means that it’s very
easy for a cat to climb UP
something, but not so easy for