Bad Kitty for President Page 3
Absolutely! What you do is go home,
find a grown-up, and say, “Hey, you!
Did you register?” And if they say,
“Not yet,” then you have them read
what your ol’ Uncle Murray has to say about it. Then on election day you go, “Hey, you! Did you vote?” And if they say, “Not yet,” then you keep asking over and over again until they do it. It’s that important!
KITTY! This means that you can’t vote! You can’t even vote for yourself! This is a disaster!
Let’s just hope that enough of the other kitties vote for you.
•CHAPTER SEVEN•
THE RESULTS
Well, I guess I should have seen this . . .
One vote for Big Kitty . . .
One vote for Pretty Kitty . . .
One vote for Stinky Kitty . . .
*Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty Malarky . . .
Being cats, and being just a little self-centered, all of the kitties voted for themselves—except for the Twin Kitties who voted for each other.
You,
too?
Yup.
Do you
blame
me?
Well, Kitty . . . You may have lost the election, but none of the other kitties actually won. They’re all tied at ONE VOTE each!
This is pretty serious, Kitty. Without a clear winner, you kitties won’t have a president!
This means that unless something very dramatic happens, there will probably have to be another election. You might still have a chance after all, Kitty.
Hold that thought,
Kitty. There’s the
doorbell.
Now, this is interesting. It’s a letter from Old Kitty.
And not just any letter! It’s an absentee ballot!*
Kitty, absentee ballots are for voters who can’t make it to the polling place on election day for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s because the voter knows he’ll be out of town or because he’s physically unable to go to the polls—like Old Kitty.
Let’s open the envelope and find out how Old Kitty voted! This is a pretty dramatic moment, isn’t it, Kitty? I wish we had some music.
It’s one more vote for Strange Kitty!
This means that Strange Kitty won the election and is the next president of the Neighborhood Cat Club!
Who,
me?
Well, Kitty . . . That settles it. S.K. won the election and will be the next president. I’m sorry you didn’t win, Kitty. I’m sorry you didn’t even get the chance to vote. I’m sorry no one else voted for you.
Gosh! Me—the
president!
This is so
COOL!
I know you tried hard to win the election, Kitty. But I hope you learned an important lesson today about how to run a clean campaign and . . .
Kitty?
Kitty?
Uh-oh.
But, why me?
Why not
you?
You’re
smart.
You’re
reliable.
You’re
kind. And
you aready
have a nifty
presidential
hat!
NO, KITTY! NOT THIS TIME!
You don’t get to throw one of your screaming, spitting, angry, crazy hissy fits this time! You don’t get to be a BAD KITTY this time!
But what if
I don’t do a
good job?
Easy! Just
hire me to
tell every-
one how
good a job
you’re doing!
I don’t care if you’re upset, Kitty! I don’t even care that you lost. Elections are about more than who runs for office. Elections are about more than who wins and who loses. Elections are about more than campaigns and TV commercials and money.
Oh, I can’t do that! The
kitties need to decide
how good a job I’m doing
for themselves!
Elections are all about DEMOCRACY!*
We saw democracy in action today, Kitty, when we watched Strange Kitty win the election fair and square. Because that’s what democracy does. Democracy makes sure that EVERYONE has a chance to participate, that EVERYONE has a chance to win, and that EVERYONE has the chance to someday become the leader of his or her community.
See?
That’s how
I know
you’ll be
a great
president.
You may not like how the election ended, Kitty. But you have no choice but to live with the results if you want to live in a democracy.
GOSH!
Uh-oh.
Uh . . .
Hello.
She said she's
going to beat you
like a cheap rug
in four years,
didn't she?
Yup. Her
campaign
begins
tomorrow.
•APPENDIX ONE•
EDNA’S LOVELY LITTLE
GLOSSARY OF ELECTION
TERMS
Hello, Children! Edna Prunelove here. And now that you’ve suffered all the way through that sordid little story about that rude little cat and her gross little adventures, I thought I would reward you with something educational. I thought it would be grand to review all of those complicated little words you saw about the election. Won’t this be amusing? Let’s review them in the order in which they appear.
PRESIDENT • Well, this is as good a place to start as any. What is a “president”? Essentially, a president is the man or woman who has been selected by a group of people to be in
charge of that group of people. It doesn’t matter how big that group is. Not just countries have presidents. Some companies have presidents. Even some classrooms have presidents. Perhaps this will inspire you to run for president in your classroom. What fun!
OFFICE • In terms of a presidency, “office” is used the same way as “power.” A president who is “in office” is “in power,” which means that he or she’s in charge. Likewise, if the president is “out of office” or not president anymore, then he’s “out of power.” Bye-bye!
PRIMARY • Now it starts to get complicated. Before you can have a president, you have to figure out WHO is going to
run for president. One way is to hold a primary, which is a lot like an . . .
ELECTION • . . . but not quite. An election is a process in which someone is chosen to be in office. But a primary is like an election BEFORE the election in which you choose who will run in the election. Confused yet? You’re not alone. There are people who dedicate their whole lives to studying how elections work.
NOMINEE • Everyone who runs in a primary is a “candidate.” Whoever wins the primary becomes the nominee who can now run in the election. The nominee was chosen by the people in his or her party.
PARTY • OH, JOY! IT’S A PARTY! Where are the balloons? The music? Cake? Ice cream? I’m just having a little fun with you. It’s not that kind of party. In this case, we’re talking about a political party, which is a group of people who all have the same philosophy and goal of getting their nominee to win the election.
DELEGATES • Because a person running for office can’t be everywhere at the same time, that person has to have delegates who go around representing him or her. If you think of nominees as being like rock-and-roll stars, then their delegates are like those silly little fans who run around trying to convince everyone to love their nominee as much as they do. (We all know people like that.) To make things even more complicated, often delegates are themselves ELECTED.
CONVENTION • OH, JOY! IT’S A PARTY! I mean it this time! This time there really are balloons and music and cake and
very colorful (which is a nice way of saying “ugly”) shirts and yelling and screaming. Why? Because everyone in the
political party has finally gotten together at a convention and chosen a nominee to run in the election.
CAUCUS • Instead of having all the zany fun of a primary, some states choose to have the zany fun of a caucus, which is less like an election and more like a big meeting of people in the party who get together to choose a nominee. So, instead of having people come in one at a time to vote everybody shows up all at once and decides together in a caucus.
ENDORSEMENT • Maybe it’s because politicians are just naturally insecure people, but they all really love endorsements. An endorsement is when someone gives a nominee a public statement of approval or support. This statement can be very useful to a nominee.
CAMPAIGN • When you conduct a bunch of activities, all of them coordinated for a specific purpose like getting a nominee elected, that’s called a campaign. In the United States, a campaign can last for years and cost a LOT of money.
GRASSROOTS CAMPAIGN • The roots of grass are just below the surface of the ground. So the idea of a grassroots campaign is to try and find out what affects the people who will vote for you. The best way to do this, of course, is to simply go out and talk to as many people as you can. And that’s exactly what a lot of nominees do.
NATIVE-BORN CITIZEN • There are only three conditions necessary
to being the president of the United States. You have to be over thirty-five years old, you have to have lived in the United States for at least fourteen years, and you have to have been born somewhere inside the United States—but if both of your parents are U.S. citizens, then you can be born anywhere in the world, even the North Pole! That would be exciting.
PAC • No, I’m not talking about that irritating little video game with that thing that eats the dots. Political Action Committees, or PACs, are organizations that collect and spend money in order to influence an election. Sometimes they donate money to candidates, but they can only donate $5,000 at most. And sometimes they buy advertisements, on which they can spend as much money as they want.
527 GROUP • These are special kinds of organizations that are much like PACs except that they are not supposed to support a specific candidate or work with that candidate’s campaign. Because they are supposed to operate outside of the election process, they are not subject to any election laws. Not a one!
DEBATE • When two or more people get together to publically argue over one or many topics, this is called a debate.
MODERATOR • This is the person who runs the debate. He or she asks the questions, controls the amount of time each person has to speak, and in general tries to keep the event as fair as possible. Think of a moderator as being like the referee in a boxing match, but with fewer punches being thrown.
POLLING STATION • Quite simply, this is the place where you go to vote.
BALLOT • This is a device, and it can simply be a piece of paper, that records your vote. It’s called a ballot because a long time ago, people often voted by putting little balls into a box. A white ball meant “yes” and a black ball meant “no.” Isn’t that interesting? Yes, I think so, too.
WRITE-IN CANDIDATE • If a nominee’s name does not appear on the ballot, you still have the option to write the nominee’s name down as your vote. Why, the nominee doesn’t even have to be running for the office. This might sound silly, but many nominees have won office this way. Isn’t that nice?
REGISTER • But before you vote, you have to register. I think that funny little man Uncle Murray explained it quite nicely. You can go back to page 112 if you need to be reminded.
ABSENTEE BALLOT • These are special ballots for people who are simply unable to make their way to the polling place on election day. In most states you do not have to give an excuse as to why you have to use an absentee ballot. But you should be careful. Send it at least a week in advance of election day, because most absentee ballots are mailed in. Apparently, the postal system is quite efficient in that rude little cat’s neighborhood.
DEMOCRACY • Ah, democracy. One of my favorite words in the world. I like it even more than “gladiola” and “lagoon.” A wise man named Abraham Lincoln once essentially described democracy as government of
the people, by the people, and for the people. The key word here, of course, is “people.” A democracy is not a government run by a king who never gives up his throne. A democracy is not a government run by a dictator who never gives up his office. A democracy is a government run by people and where elections decide everything. Elections certainly are complicated, but I hope you understand now just how *sniff* important they are.
*sniff* Forgive me if I get a little teary-eyed. I am rather prone to emotional outbursts of patriotism sometimes. I’m sure you’re the same way.
*sniff, sniff* Oh, dear! It appears my sensibilities really have gotten the better of me. I must go compose myself. I do hope you all learned something today. Ta-Ta!
•APPENDIX TWO•
During any dramatic moments in this book, please play the following music on your tuba, zither, or harpsichord.
Thank you.
Arrangement by Heike Doerr